Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself:  You are talking with someone, and the conversation gets a little tense…the topic, a little bit “touchy”.  One of you says something, and the other – in the tension of the moment – thinks that … Continue reading →

Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself: 

You are talking with someone, and the conversation gets a little tense…the topic, a little bit “touchy”.  One of you says something, and the other – in the tension of the moment – thinks that whatever was said was offensive (in tone or in words), and suddenly a fairly innocent conversation becomes an all-out verbal brawl.

Sound familiar?

Maybe your experience is different.  It could be that something was communicated and assumptions made about what was said, only to find out that there wasn’t really a clear understanding of what the expectations were.  Perhaps it was a “gossip train” that impacted your life, where you were either on the participation end or the receiving end of a group of people talking about something that involved others who weren’t part of the conversation, which led to speculation, assumptions, hurt feelings, etc. 

Regardless of the experience you have endured or been part of, the straightforward principle is this:  Communication matters …not just what we say, but how we say it, and the intent by which we say something.  And it’s easy to get wrong. 

Consider what Scripture says in James 3:7-8 …

“For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind.  But no man can tame the tongue.  It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” (NKJV)

It’s easy to say the wrong thing…or the right thing in the wrong way…or the right thing with wrong motives, leading to embarrassment (in a “best-case” scenario) or even severely strained relationships (in a “worst-case” scenario). 

As an expression of God’s grace, He gives us some guidance through the pages of Scripture regarding “best practices” for communication that honors Him.  Let’s look at some of those:

Proverbs 15:28 says this:  “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.” (NKJV)

One of the most common paths to communication break-down is when someone makes an immediate and emotional response to something someone else says or does.  Often, when that happens, the response is based more upon assumptions than reality.  We assume we know what the other person meant…we assume we know the unspoken thoughts or motives of the other person…we assume that what was done or said was done with the intent to hurt.  In those instances, our feelings get hurt, and we either go on the offense or we get defensive, as if we must win and the other person must lose. 

Communication isn’t supposed to be a battle.  The origin of the word harks back to a word that means “sharing between parties” – in other words, communication is meant to bring parties together, to find common ground between parties, and to enhance relationships, not tear them down.  If you want to honor God with your communication, it’s much better to think about what you want to say and the best way to say it – to “consider your words” – before simply responding.

Proverbs 12:18 says this:  “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.” (NKJV)

Ephesians 4:29 says:  “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” (NKJV)

When we communicate with others, our goal should be to ensure that what we communicate is of benefit to those who hear it.  That doesn’t mean that all communication has to be “flowery” or “fake”.  Sometimes what needs to be said is simply hard.  But our focus should be to communicate in such a way that the hearer is benefited.   In other words, we should not be destructive with our communication.

Speaking of which, one of the most destructive ways to communicate is gossip.  Gossip – talking negatively about someone behind their back – is “pseudo-communication”.  It’s malicious and hurtful, and it sows seeds of mistrust in a relationship immediately.  It’s one of the worst kinds of communication, because the goal of the one gossiping is to tear down the absent party.

Leviticus 19:16 says it this way:  “You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD.” (NKJV)

The Bible calls people who gossip “talebearers” – the kind of people who like to tell juicy stories about other people…stories that are often not completely true.  In almost all cases, they are told in a way that puts the person who is the focus of the “tale” in a negative light in the minds of those who are listening.

As Christians, because this kind of talk can never benefit the person who is the subject of the gossip, it’s important that we take a firm stance against that kind of idle talk – not only avoiding being a gossiper, but also avoiding participating in discussions where someone else is gossiping. 

As the best example of communication that benefits the “hearer”, think about what the Bible says as recorded in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 …

“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (NKJV)

God’s Word – the written communication directly inspired by God Himself – is described as a tool to explain foundational truths of Christianity (doctrine); to show someone that what they are doing is not consistent with God’s standard (reproof); to help “alter the course” of someone’s life (correction); and to teach someone about the things Jesus taught (instruction in righteousness).  There are times when you read something in the Bible, and it leaves you feeling refreshed; but there may be other times when you read something, and you are immediately challenged, knowing that God doesn’t approve of something you have been doing.  Either way, as the passage in 2 Timothy says, the result is “profitable”.  By listening and applying what God says in His Word, you either experience strengthened relationships with other people or you grow deeper in your relationship with God.

In short, honoring God with our communication means that those who are involved – directly or indirectly – should be benefited by it.

Proverbs 18:13 offers up this advice:  “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” (NKJV)

James 1:19 reminds us:  “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;” (NKJV)

There are probably times when you’ve been in a conversation with someone and, while the other person is still talking, instead of listening to what is being said, you are thinking about what you are going to say next. 

In reality, most people struggle with being self-centered when it comes to communication.  We focus more on what we want to say and ensuring that we are being heard rather than on making sure that we hear what others are saying to us…and because listening doesn’t happen naturally, that means that it’s a learned skill that we need to practice.

The old adage that says, “You have two ears and one mouth – you should listen twice as much as you speak,” is a good “rule of thumb” to follow.

But listening skills don’t just apply to our immediate conversations with others.  It’s also important to listen to the advice and wisdom of others that you trust and respect.

Proverbs 19:20 says this:  “Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” (NKJV)

All too often, we say something or do something without seeking input and counsel from others, only to find out the hard way that we could have avoided some painful moments if we had simply sought out the advice of others.  According to the Bible, seeking advice is sound wisdom and is part of God’s plan – and something that could help us communicate more effectively with others and in a way that honors God.

Regardless of whether it’s listening to the other party in our communication or listening to the advice and wisdom from people we trust and respect, listening is an art that we need to practice.

In Deuteronomy 10:12-13 , the Bible says this:  “And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the LORD and His statutes which I command you today for your good?” (NKJV)

Whenever God spoke, He was always clear in His communication.  People sometimes argued with Him about it or questioned Him about what He said, but it wasn’t because God wasn’t clear.  We would do good to follow His example.

If we communicate something and what we say isn’t clear, then it leaves room for interpretation.  By default, then, that means that it’s possible that our expectations won’t be met, because what we said was misinterpreted. 

Being clear in what we say is helpful to all parties involved.  It sets expectations.  It leaves no room for misunderstandings.  It’s like a “map” that offers a clear starting point and a certain destination that needs no deciphering…and we’re more apt to honor God through our communication when we are clear in our communication.

There is much more that can be said of the art of God-honoring communication.  But in the end, the over-arching principle is to make sure that, whatever you do, you do out of love for God and love for the other person.  1 Corinthians 13:1 says, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.” (NKJV)   Without love, no matter what we do or say – no matter how “good” we think our communication is – it won’t amount to anything that honors God.  But when our communication is motivated by our unconditional love for God and others, the foundation is laid for stronger relationships with others and for a stronger walk with Christ!

Have a blessed day today,

–Pastor John